Mako My Day
by Carbuncle
Summary: AVALANCHE is called into action when Hojo threatens to flood the City of Midgar with Mako in an effort to poison the townsfolk. Unable to stop him, Barrett, Tifa and the gang are turned into vegetables. Only Cloud having once been exposed to and therefore


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
Mako My Day  
  
(Open to 7th Heaven, the bar. Marlene is standing behind the bar. Cid walks in.)  
Cid: The usual please, Tifa.  
Marlene: Coming right up, Uncle Cid.  
Cid: Tifa, Tifa, please. You don't have to call me "Uncle Cid" unless I'm ridin' ya like a chocobo. (squints) My God! You're not Tifa.  
Marlene: It's me, Uncle Cid. Marlene.  
Cid: (squints again) Oh, yeah. Sorry, Marlene. I don't have my contact lenses in today. Long story.  
  
(Cut to Rocket Town, Cid's house, the kitchen. Shera is sitting at the table, eating her breakfast. Cid walks in.)  
Cid: Shera? Have you seen my contact lenses?  
Shera: Why, no, Captain, I'm sorry, I haven't.  
Cid: Dammit. Ah, well. Maybe they're in the backyard. (walks off)  
Shera: (takes a bite of her breakfast, and crunches on something) Eugh... (stops chewing and takes a tiny broken lense out of her mouth) Uh, Captain...  
  
(Cut back to 7th Heaven, the bar.)  
Cid: So, how come you're working the bar, Marlene? Is Tifa sick?  
Marlene: No. Everyone got called out on a job, so I had to cover.  
Cid: I see. Well, I'm feelin' a little wacky today. Gimme a cider.  
Marlene: Righty oh, Uncle Cid. (gives Cid an apple with a straw sticking through the top)  
Cid: Thanks, kid. (he takes a sip as a strange green gas seeps in through the front door and gradually covers the room) Huh? What the hell is this?  
Marlene: Ugh, I feel faint...  
Cid: Man, my head... What the hell was in that cider? (he and Marlene faint)  
  
(Cut to the No.1 Reactor, a little earlier.)  
Cloud: What's the situation, Mr. President?  
Rufus: It's that idiot Hojo. He's threatening to flood our fair city with Mako. You have to stop him!  
Cloud: That's the reason we're here. (to Barrett and Tifa, standing behind him) Okay, guys, let's bring in the negochee... negochee... nee...  
Tifa: Bring in the negotiator.  
Cloud: Thanks, Tifa. I swear I'll finally learn how to say that word properly one day.  
Cait Sith: (arrives with his megaphone) Professor Hojo! Don't jump!  
Cloud: Wha??  
Cait Sith: You have so much to live for! If you'll just come down then I'm sure we can help you with whatever problems you may have!  
Cloud: Cait Sith, he's not contemplating suicide.  
Cait Sith: He's not?  
Cloud: No. He's threatening to expose our city to Mako poisoning.  
Cait Sith: Oh. You know, a little notice ahead of time would be most appreciated instead of letting me make an ass of myself.  
Hojo: (on a platform above, about to throw a switch) Let there be Mako! (throws the switch, releasing the Mako gas) Mwa ha ha ha!  
Tifa: Oh, no!  
Rufus: Run for your lives! We can escape in my chopper! (he and AVALANCHE run toward it but he only lets Heidegger and Scarlet in and stops AVALANCHE) Not you people. You messed up. You have my permission to stay here and die. (the chopper flies off)  
Barrett: Ungrateful bastards! We tried our best.  
Tifa: Come on, there's still time to make a quick getaway.  
Cloud: Not for Cait Sith there isn't. (Cait Sith is laying unconscious on the floor)  
  
(Cut to the Sector 1 Slums. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett are running through, panicking. The Mako is hot on their trail.)  
Cloud: Oh, dear God!  
Tifa: Don't look back, Cloud!  
Cloud: I can't help it! There's a naked woman in that bedroom window over there!  
Tifa: If we make it back to 7th Heaven in one piece, I swear...  
Barrett: (stops) #@$% this!  
Tifa: (she and Cloud stop) Huh?  
Barrett: I ain't ran from nothin' in my life, an' I don't intend to start now. So come on, evil cloud of gas, do ya worst.  
Tifa: Barrett, have you lost you mind?? You'll be killed! You remember what happened to Cloud when he became expossed to too much Mako, right? And this is twice as much!  
Barrett: Damn. You're right. (Cloud and Tifa run off) I was a fool to think that I- (the gas covers him) -hmm, I'm no doctor, but I don't think my brain should be pulsatin' inside my skull like this. (faints)  
  
(Cut to the Sector 1 Station. Cloud and Tifa run toward the train.)  
Tifa: Come on, Cloud, that train'll take us back to the Sector 7 Slums!  
Cloud: And if it doesn't, at least we'll get to sit down for a little while.  
Train Guard: Tickets, please.  
Cloud: (hands him his ticket) Here you go.  
Train Guard: (inspects the ticket) Sir, have you been using this ticket for toilet paper?  
Cloud: I had no choice. There wasn't any left in the public bathroom.  
Tifa: Oh, dear...  
Cloud: What's the matter?  
Tifa: I can't find my ticket...  
Cloud: ...  
Tifa: Oh, my goodness! Could I have dropped my ticket somewhere between here and the No.1 Reactor?  
Cloud: Probably. That sounds like the sort of thing you'd do.  
Train Guard: Last call for all passengers to the Sector 7 Slums.  
Cloud: Tifa, I...  
Tifa: No. You go, Cloud.  
Cloud: I can't leave you here. The gas'll swallow you whole.  
Tifa: It's better that it gets one of us, rather than both of us. You go on ahead. I'll catch up.  
Cloud: You promise?  
Tifa: (looks back and then at Cloud) I promise... (Cloud gets on the train and it speeds off)  
Zell: (running toward Tifa) Did I miss the train?? Aw, man! I knew I shouldn't have stopped off for that hot dog!  
  
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums. People are walking through, going about their daily business. A cloud of green Mako gas begins to flood the Slum. The townspeople cough, splutter and faint around one another.)  
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar.)  
Cid: So, how come you're working the bar, Marlene? Is Tifa sick?  
Marlene: No. Everyone got called out on a job, so I had to cover.  
Cid: I see. Well, I'm feelin' a little wacky today. Gimme a cider.  
Marlene: Righty oh, Uncle Cid. (gives Cid an apple with a straw sticking through the top)  
Cid: Thanks, kid. (he takes a sip as a strange green gas seeps in through the front door and gradually covers the room) Huh? What the hell is this?  
Marlene: Ugh, I feel faint...  
Cid: Man, my head... What the hell was in that cider? (he and Marlene faint)  
  
(Cut to the Train Graveyard. Green Mako has engulfed the area. The train pulls up and stops.)  
  
(Cut to the train, the first carriage. Cloud is looking through the doorway.)  
Train Guard: All right, buddy, it's the end of the line.  
Cloud: But there's poisonous Mako gas out there! I'll be killed!  
Train Guard: Kid, trust me, there are far more dangerous gases in this world than Mako. You'll be fine.  
Cloud: Really?  
Train Guard: Yep. I've smelt farts deadlier than that stuff. And I've smelt my fair share of them, being stuck on this train 24/7, believe me.  
Cloud: But...  
Train Guard: You don't believe me?  
Cloud: It's not that, it's just-  
Train Guard: (looks back and forth suspiciously) Walk this way, son. (opens a mysterious door at the back of the carriage and leads Cloud through)  
  
(Cut to the Carriage of the Dead. Cloud and the Train Guard walk in.)  
Cloud: Where the hell are we?!  
Train Guard: This is the Carriage of the Dead. A place where spirits gather to share their knowledge and partake in drunken orgies.  
Cloud: Yeah?  
Bugenhagen: Ho ho hooo! Hello, Cloud!  
Cloud: Oh my God! Bugenhagen?  
Bugenhagen: Yes, it is I.  
Cloud: Impossible. You're dead.  
Bugenhagen: I know!  
Cloud: Oh, Bugenhagen, I don't know what to do. The city's been engulfed by Mako, and I've soiled my underwear. Plus they want me off this train, and if I leave, I'll be poisoned by the gas.  
Bugenhagen: Ho ho hooo! Do not panic, Cloud, for you have nothing to fear.  
Cloud: I don't?  
Bugenhagen: No. You see, you are fortunate enough to be immune to Mako poisoning, since your body adapted to it while you were suffering from it during your adventure to save the Planet.  
Cloud: I'm immune to it?!  
Bugenhagen: Use this immunity of yours to your advantage, Cloud. Save your fellow man and rid the city of Mako.  
Cloud: That sounds awfully difficult, Mr. Bugenhagen. I don't think I'm up to the task.  
Bugenhagen: You have to be, Cloud. For you are the only one who can bring order back to Midgar. Remember: the fate of the city is in your hands.  
Cloud: Okay, but can I ask you something before I go?  
Bugenhagen: Yes.  
Cloud: These drunken orgies, d'you think anyone would mind if I joined in? (Bugenhagen stares at him) I know I'm not dead or anything, but... (Bugenhagen frowns at him) ...I'll take that as a no.  
  
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Cloud walks through toward 7th Heaven, looking at all the unconscious people laying around him.)  
Cloud: (laughs) Idiots! They should've had the Mako vaccination!  
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Marlene and Cid are laying unconscious by the bar. Cloud walks in.)  
Cloud: (gasps) Marlene! Cid! (runs over to them) Oh, not you too!  
Cid: (stirring) Ugh...  
Cloud: Cid! (picking him up) Are you okay, Cid?!  
Cid: Ugh...  
Cloud: (grabs a glass of water off the bar and puts it to Cid's mouth) Here, drink this water.  
Cid: Ugh...  
Marlene: (stirring) Ugh...  
Cloud: Marlene! (drops Cid and attends to her) Speak to me, Marlene!  
Marlene: Ugh...  
Cloud: I know what you two need. A good night sleep, that's what. (picks up Marlene and Cid and carries them upstairs) Yep, things'll be better in the morning. They always are.  
  
(Cut to the basement, the following day. Cloud is sleeping under a blanket on the couch. He hears a glass drop upstairs and wakes up.)  
Cloud: Whazzat?!  
  
(Cut to the bar. Barrett, Cid and Marlene are sitting at the table. Tifa is standing by a broken glass. Cloud walks in.)  
Cloud: Tifa! Barrett! You guys made it back! (hugs Tifa) Aw! Am I ever glad to see you! (looks at Cid and Marlene) And you two are okay now too! This is cause for celebration!  
Tifa: Clumsy me dropped glass thingy on floor.  
Cloud: What?  
Barrett: Tifa silly! (laughs retardedly)  
Cloud: Hey, there's no need for name calling, Barrett!  
Barrett: Up yo'... um, uh, poopie. (laughs)  
Cid: Barrett said poopie! (laughs) Ooh! Now me said poopie too! Poopie, poopie, poo! (laughs)  
Cloud: Cid, please, cut the vulgarity out. In case you haven't noticed Marlene's sitting right beside you.  
Marlene: Uncle Cid said poopie, poopie, poo! Uncle Cid a poo-head!  
Cloud: See? She's picking up your potty mouthed language now! I knew this would happen one day!  
Tifa: (trying to pick up the broken glass) Ow! Ow! Glass is hurting!  
Cloud: (watching Tifa) Wait a minute, that isn't right. Oh my God! The Mako poisoning! I completely forgot about it.  
Barrett: Mako poisonin'?  
Cloud: Yeah, the Mako gas. Professor Hojo unleased it on the city yesterday. Hmm, that explains the reason Tifa's acting so fruity. She must be suffering from it.  
Barrett: Sufferin'?  
Cid: Poopie, poo, poo!  
Cloud: Quiet, Cid. I need to concentrate here. Now, Bugenhagen's spirit told me I was the only one who could save the city. I guess I'd better get out there and do my thing. I want you guys to stay here and keep an eye on Tifa. Make sure she doesn't do anything stupid. I'm counting on you guys. (leaves)  
Cid: Poopie, poopie, poo, poo!  
Barrett: (bites the table) Table tastes like wood...  
Tifa: (still trying to pick up the broken glass) Ow! Ow!  
  
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Cloud leaves 7th Heaven.)  
Cloud: Now, how to stop the Mako gas...? Hmm, uh... an idea, an idea... oh, geez! This is even more difficult than writing Kingdom Hearts fanfiction.  
  
(Cut to an office. Carbuncle is sitting at a large table with fellow fanfiction authors, Tifa Gainsborough, SugarBee, Nahima Tala, Emi-chan, Neko-Kelcie, Tifa-Carbuncle, Smays and d u s t y . w i n g s.)  
Carbuncle: How about this: Sora, Donald and Goofy get swallowed by Monstro... again, but this time they have to escape through his ass?  
Emi-chan: That's crude. Very, very crude.  
Tifa Gainsborough: Disgusting.  
Carbuncle: All right, all right, fine. Does anyone else have any suggestions? (Tifa-Carbuncle puts her hand up) Bearing in mind that this isn't a romance we're writing. (Tifa-Carbuncle puts her hand down)  
Tifa-Carbuncle: (quietly) ...bastard.  
  
(Cut back to the Sector 7 Slums.)  
Cloud: Ugh! (hits his head with his fist) Come on, brain! Help me out here!  
  
(Cut to inside Cloud's head. Cloud's brain is using a laptop.)  
Cloud's Brain: Hold your chocobos, I'm searching for a solution to the problem as fast as I can! (resumes typing) Clearing Mako... Clearing Mako... ah ha!  
  
(Cut back to the Sector 7 Slums.)  
Cloud: (to himself) Well don't keep it to yourself. Let me in on it. (pause) Oh, dear God. That is a good plan. To show my appreciation, I'm giving you the rest of the day off. Hey, it's only fair for saving my butt.  
  
(Cut to inside Cloud's head.)  
Cloud's Brain: All right, a day off! (typing on the laptop and talking as it does so) Final Fantasy hentai... oh, baby!  
  
(Cut back to the Sector 7 Slums.)  
Cloud: (to himself) Use the time constructively, brain, contructiv--oh, baby! Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex!  
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Cloud is sitting at the table, talking to Tifa, Barrett and Cid.)  
Cloud: And so using all the power of my brain, I was able to come up with a plan to rid the city of the poisonous Mako gas.  
Tifa: Which was...?  
Cloud: Huh? I just told you.  
Tifa: No, you didn't. You just sat down at the table and said, "And so using all the power of my brain, I was able to come up with a plan to rid the city of the poisonous Mako gas."  
Cloud: Oh. Well, the point is, I got rid of it. I mean, I'd have to have gotten rid of it, otherwise you guys would all still be retards, drooling over each other like bunch of horny losers in a strip club. Am I right?  
Barrett: He's got ya there, Tifa.  
Cid: Yep. (Tifa sighs)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
THE END__________  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
(Cut to an office. Carbuncle is sitting at a table with fellow fanfiction authors, Tifa Gainsborough, SugarBee, Nahima Tala, Emi-chan, Neko-Kelcie, Tifa-Carbuncle, Smays and d u s t y . w i n g s.)  
Carbuncle: And that's how we'll end Fanfic 311 "Mako My Day". (the authors clap) Thankin' you kindly, folks. Well, I'd better get this crap uploaded. (leaves the office)  
SugarBee: That was awful...  
Neko-Kelcie: It's amazing the stuff that passes for (quotes with her fingers) "entertainment" these days. God bless the minority of decent writers out there.  
SugarBee: Amen to that...  
  
Special thanks to all those (brave) authors who volunteered to participate in this fic. Apologies to the people who wanted to join in, but like I said, I only needed about eight. 


End file.
